Anatomy of a Hair Fail: From a Ewing to a Lemon in Less Than 90 Seconds.


Almost since this blog's inception, I've been growing out my pixie. From Halle Berry-short to three inches below my collar bone, I've navigated the stages with an equal amount of hits and misses. But now that I've got long hair...what the what do I do with it? And how on earth did I fail this fast?


I love to experiment (and blather about it), in case you haven't noticed. This morning, I decided  to follow my childhood inspiration and go all "Dallas". I broke out the hot rollers - I've been playing with these since I did a pin-up shoot for fun and loved the techniques I picked up. I'm not good with them, but I can add some body. So since it was going to be a slow day at work, since I loved Victoria Principal as Pam Ewing, and since everything from my childhood is new again, why not go for it?


So I sprayed my hair with a light bit of spray. I hate hair spray in general. In fact, I hate putting products that hold style in my hair. They always make my hair crunchy, feel dirty or make my clean hair only last a day or two. This is probably the reason for my incredibly fast hair fail.


I sprayed, I rolled, I waited, I removed the curlers, I sprayed again. Then I let the curls cool entirely, shook my head and thought, "don't hate me because I'm beautiful," and walked outside, where the light was decent, to show you what I managed to create.

Keep in mind, I don't have a hyper-layered 80's haircut. So I was not going for a specific style from Dallas, but just a big, bouncy, over the top volume kind of vibe.

I was so proud.


Look! It's so big, it's like a bob. You can't see all of the big, loopy, silly waves, but they are there in droves! Ewing family, look out! I'll take your oil, your jewels and your helicopter by lunch with this hair! Photo taken at 8:29:01, according to the file information on the camera.


Still trying to capture a decent shot, but not yet mastering the theory of "headroom", my bob is now plentiful waves that cascade on to my shoulders. More Charlene Tilton than Victoria Principal, my place in the Ewing Family is sliding downwards rapidly. Photo taken at 8:29:18.


Huh. My style is quickly plummeting. Wispy waves are now dancing around my collarbone. Where did the body go? It's only 8:30:36 am. One minute and 35 seconds after my hair was perfect and I was ready to tackle cattle ranchers and oil barons, I'm more suited to be the cool brunette sister on Too Close For Comfort. She wanted to be a bank teller AND a designer (as if that goes together!) and she practically lived with her parents. She didn't even know Monroe was gay! Her style isn't working for the oil drilling, cattle-driving day I had in mind.


By 8:31:13, my hair is devoid of wave and almost all body is gone. Now I'm more like Mindy from Mork and Mindy, who would not have the foggiest idea of how to deal with cattle ranching and all it entails. What did she do? Run a kite shop with an egg in the attic? I can't remember (but I think kites were involved with something). Either way, she and her hair are NOT cattle ranching material.


By lunch, for fun, I took this picture. I'm back to being my normal Liz Lemon-y kind of self, still without having mastered the art of "headroom" in a photo.

Two minutes and twelve seconds is all it took for my hair to span three decades and return me to looking like a normal person who might get eaten by house cats if she died alone. It's not terrible, but I'll certainly never dominate in the Ewing family like this.

What products are best for achieving volume and hold, without feeling all gloppy and heavy? Help me out! And if it helps me make my way in the oil business some day, I'll buy you all of the hair product you ever wanted.*


*I will never be able to dominate in a fictitious family. So my offer is a bit of a lie. But still, your opinions mean the world to me, so please share

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15 comments:

  1. Kelly, I'm sorry your 80s revival was only three minutes, but the 30 year quick decade span all looked good. I love reading your blog. You're hilarious! I wish I could offer you help but alas, I am hair impaired. End result...you look fabulous!

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  2. I swear by steam rollers (by Conair or Caruso) for my hard-to-curl hair.  They're also less damaging than traditional hot rollers.

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  3. My hair won't hold a style worth a crap either but my mom got these for me and they work wonders! My curl will stay for at least two days. http://www.sallybeauty.com/hair-rollers/SBS-679000,default,pd.html?cgid=Hair14-01

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  4.  http://www.velcrosleeprollers.com/

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  5. Link!! Send me a link!!

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  6.  So I came back to see your reply, cuz I know that's how you
    roll :) and saw how long my comment was uh sorry. I just get so amped in
    talking about it because todays frequent shampoo/heat only styling/ heavy
    silcone/condish to counteract bums me. And I always love if I can help someone.
    Not saying I do  but I throw out advice
    all the time, some it has to stick… Anyway in between I was on a brit beauty
    blog and saw a link for these awesome looking velcro sleep rollers.. They look
    aweome and have tons of endorsments. Summer is hard financially with three kids
    and I have a lot of hair will need multiple packs so I can't do it right now
    but I'm gonna be saving for them.

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  7. Wow! Thanks Denise!

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  8.  

    Wet sets are the way to go. Setting lotion is best, after
    all this is what it's intended for.  They
    have fallen out of favor with the exception of ethnic salons and ones that
    cater to older women. So they will be sold in the ethnic section and contain
    moisturizing properties. Wrapping lotions are basically the same thing. I'd lay
    off any conditoning rinse and use only a bit of leave-in on the ends( like the
    jane carter). Since most of us don't have hooded dryers or all day to sit in
    rollers you shouldn't start with very wet hair.  If freshly shampooed either blow or let hair
    air dry at least 80%. If starting with dry hair make up a spray bottle of
    diluted setting lotion and spritz each section before rolling. Avoid hair spray
    unless you shampoo daily.


    Wet sets will last and your hair will be super shiny, and
    you're avoiding heat damage. If you want serious  volume and movement though you need a few more
    layers. Overall length is fine it's just your hair type( looks to me like you
    have a  lot of hair but it's fine in
    testure naturally, hard to tell because of chemical service so it seems dry and
    coarse so you use products designed for dry/damage hair and they weigh it down)needs
    some layers.


    I promise use a chelating/clarifying shampoo. Use leave in
    sparingly  on ends. Setting lotion and
    set on large rollers until fully dry. (First half hour or so hair will be too
    big, ride it out it'll fall into a gorgeous full style that will last days.

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  9. LOVE IT!! I still have my mom's old bag of plain curlers somewhere. It's a large, floral bag, with pleather handles, filled with cheap plastic curlers and those little white rods that never made sense to me. I loved trying them out, despite my not-so-hot results...

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  10. Kudos on timing the transition; that was a brave move.  I feel your pain in all things bouncy and behaving.  There was never a Dallas evening that was not spent in hot rollers.  Set during Dallas, cool during Falcon Crest, then off clubbing.  I still have those same hot rollers with hope springing eternal that one day, I'll have Pamela hair.  And may I say that your hair is looking fabu, gravity be damnned

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  11. I'll check it out! Thank you! Although I'm not sure my hair can take teasing. It's not that sturdy... Can't I just have magazine-worthy hair without AquaNet or teasing? It's seeming the answer to that is no.

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  12. Teasing? Check out LolaMarie on youtube. She has a Texas Barbie hair tutorial, it's super cute! 

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  13. Too much alcohol in AquaNet. I may need a new strategy. I don't think my delicate and finicky hair can take that. I have pansy hair.

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  14. This is hysterical... and I'm thinking Aquanet could have been your answer?

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